Love & Grief
Love comes before grief and love abides in, with and through grief.
~Lori Kayser
(To read the previous blog posts in this series, please see Article 1, Article 2, and Article 3)
How do we support those in grief?
On May 10, 2018, my beautiful bonus daughter died of a drug overdose. She was 31 years old and left a precious nine-year-old daughter behind. The best way I can describe the minutes after that dreaded phone call from my ex-husband is I felt like someone had zip tied my windpipe. No air could pass through. I was breathless. The proverbial wind had been taken out of my sails. Our deepest fears were realized after years and years of treatment, inpatient rehab, therapy, AA/NA meetings, sleepless nights, recovery, relapse and recovery and sadly, in Molly’s case, death.
Grief is inherent in the human experience. I also want to acknowledge the universal experience of grief. If you’ve owned pets, you’ve probably noticed they grieve. Nature grieves too. Grief is a universal experience.
I’m sharing a personal experience I had after Molly’s death. This is how NOT to show up with a person in grief.
My partner at the time was “with” me. I was sitting on my leather reading chair doubled over crying from the depths of my toes while simultaneously gasping for breath. He was lying on the sofa three feet away silent with his arms crossed, eyes closed; he was on a different planet far, far away. Let’s call his response fear, disconnected and not present.
I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so lonely in my life. Grief requires love and connection – do this, not fear and disconnection.
What do the grieving need? The Six Needs of the Grieving
- To have your/their pain witnessed – your/their pain is both real and normal.
- To express your/their feelings – the ability to express and attach language to your/their feelings.
- To release the burden of guilt – guilt and grief often go hand and hand. Help the griever release their guilt and forgive themselves.
- To be free of old wounds – old wounds often surface from the past. Address and validate them. They don’t go away unless we shed light on them.
- To integrate the pain and the love – acceptance takes time and patience. It’s incremental.
- To find meaning in life after loss – meaning comes through finding a way to sustain love for the person or thing lost to sustain love after the death while respectfully moving forward in life. Hope has a very close relationship with meaning.
This list is from David Kessler, well-known for his expertise in loss and grief.
I’ll add that those grieving need those who are witnessing your/their grief to be present. Being present requires valuing connection and having access to the time, energy and physical safety that makes grieving possible.
The griever has the wisdom not the one witnessing. Witnessing grief begins by acknowledging their loss and letting them know that they are seen and heard. Having grief witnessed is about making loss real.
I’m simplifying a very complex process. The purpose of this article is to provide framework for you. It’s a starting point. Having this knowledge and practicing The Six Needs of the Grieving with presence will, I hope, give you the tools and skills to beautifully honor the connection of Love & Grief.
Love comes before grief and love abides in, with and through grief.
~Lori Kayser
Grief is grief. With change there’s loss. With loss there’s grief. Whether the loss is from cancer, addiction, disease, the aging process, a tragic accident, a natural disaster, the breakup of a relationship, a job change, the death of a beloved pet, the list goes on and on… Grief is grief. Honor grief with the knowledge and wisdom of The Six Needs of the Grieving, presence, and the transformational beauty and power of love. This is how grief transmutes to love.
The holidays can be a very difficult time of the year for those who are grieving. Please reach out to them. Acknowledge their loss, their pain, their suffering and struggle and practice The Six Needs of the Grieving. Grief & Love.
Thank you for joining me on the grief series journey. The next article will examine the relationship between Grief & Meaning: Honoring the loss.
May you and your loved ones experience all the joys of the season.
If you have questions or comments, please reach out to me via email @ lori@teamtony.org.
Honoring Molly Mishos 1/14/87-5/10/18. Her courageous mom and I spoke the other day. Molly’s daughter is now 16 years old. My heart and thoughts are forever with the family.
