Grief:  The Universal Human Experience – Article 3

by Lori Kayser, created with her head and heart, no AI

Grief is messy.

Remember: “All change includes loss; all loss includes grief.”

For prior Grief Articles 1 and 2, please click on the links:

Article 1 and Article 2

What’s an anticipated or unanticipated change that altered your life? A cancer diagnosis, the death of a loved one, caregiving, a relationship ending, a job loss, losing your home to a hurricane, moving, the end of cancer treatments, etc.

How did you process your grief?

Tony and I each made a visit, different times, to Sarasota Memorial Hospital in July. Tony had two Tonic-Clonic (Grand Mal) seizures and one Absence Seizure (Petit Mal) as a result of medication and I had a toxic reaction to my cancer suppression therapy. Both experiences were scary and unanticipated.

We’re still learning, adjusting, and adapting to the physical and emotional changes, losses and grief these challenges created in our lives and those who love us. Tony and I know that by facing our feelings and emotions, we can heal, learn, reorient, and adapt. There is wisdom in our grieving, both for ourselves and for others.

How do you process grief?

Is there a “right” or “wrong” way to process change, loss and grief?

Many theoretical models have been created to explore the ways we live in, with and through grief. I’m sharing three of the models, in no particular order, taken from David Kessler’s Grief Educator Training. While most grief models explore how we process grief because of the death of a loved one, remember that we also experience grief as the result of any anticipated or unanticipated change or loss that alters your life as you planned.

Sigmund Freud

  • Freud talked of melancholia as mourning, meaning one is searching for an attachment that has been lost.
  • The ego needs to accept the reality of the loss and disengage and withdraw energy from the lost object of attachment.
  • Freud’s daughter, Anna, influenced Elisabeth Kübler Ross’ grief stages by introducing the concept of the ego, defense mechanisms and how an individual’s ego would cope with a significant loss.

Elisabeth Kübler Ross – Pioneered the study of grief

Stages of Grief – (Not a linear process):

-Denial

-Anger

-Bargaining

-Depression

-Acceptance

-Meaning (David Kessler’s addition)

These stages describe common emotional responses to loss and are not necessarily experienced in a linear or fixed order. The model provides a framework to understand the grieving process, which can be complex and is unique to each individual.

Strobe & Schut:  A dual process model of coping with grief

Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut developed the dual process model to address the shortcomings of prior models of coping with grief. It provides a framework that better represents the natural variation in coping on a day-to-day basis. Their model suggests that healthy coping/grieving is done through the oscillation between loss-oriented coping and restoration-oriented coping.

Loss-oriented coping – when you yearn for what was lost, dwell on the guilt you feel, fret over feelings of meaningless, have difficulty moving forward (past orientation), etc.

Restoration-oriented coping – doing things to build a new life (present to future), a gradual acceptance of the changes and losses in one’s life, developing goals and objectives, looking forward, etc.

Jennifer Fiore, in a 2019 review, acknowledged that there is currently no consensus about the optimal balance between loss-oriented and restoration-oriented coping. It is generally understood that an individual will prioritize the loss-oriented process early into the grieving process and gradually prioritize the restoration-oriented process more as time progresses.

The Team Tony Team – Tony, Kelly, Allison and I – have found the dual-process model very helpful in processing our grief. We map how we grieve in actionable steps. We carve out time and space to process the changes, losses and grief. Let’s break down how we grieve into two types – In being AND In action. Both are important and support the other. This is an example of restoration-oriented grieving.

In being – Prayer, meditation, faith (religious and/or spiritual practices/rituals), therapy, coaching, helpful readings, journaling your feelings and experiences, art projects, etc.

Connect with yourself – create time and space to process your feelings, emotions and experiences. Feel it to heal it.

Connect with others/supportive community – time with others for support and those who can relate with your experience for insight, understanding and  relatability.

In action – Moving your body – walking, running, biking, going to the beach and watching the sunrise or sunset, lifting weights, gardening, hiking, spending time in nature, etc. Move your body which helps to not feel “stuck” in the heaviness of grief.

The reality is there is no one size fits all model when it comes to grief and grieving. We each utilize a combination of all the models and create our own grief process. When change, loss, and grief present in your life, and they will, do you have a process to honor your grief?

The next grief article will share the six needs of the grieving – Love & Grief. I look forward to sharing it with you. Happy Thanksgiving to you and your loved ones!

If you have questions or comments, please reach out to me via email at lori@teamtony.org

We honor Susan K. Maggio who died on November 11, 2024. She was a beautiful, radiant light to us and our cancer community. I spoke to her husband, Dean, on the one-year anniversary of her death. He and their son, Jaden, are doing as well as can be expected under the circumstances.